One year ago today I was in the operating room having a double mastectomy. This photo was taken three days after my surgery.
My lifetime risk of developing breast cancer was close to 60% and, because of this, I qualified for high risk screening. My first screening breast MRI was in November 2019 and it detected an abnormality in my left breast. Six weeks later, after an inconclusive fine needle biopsy, I had a surgical excision in January that resulted in a diagnosis of a noninvasive ductal carcinoma in my beautiful left breast. I was lucky…it was detected very early and all of the cancer was removed in that excision. That six weeks of waiting, between November 2019 and January 2020, was one of the most challenging moments in this whole experience.
Prior to this, I had a biopsy in a different part of my breast and was continuously having to go back for diagnostic imaging between screening mammograms. I had already been mentally preparing for the consideration of a preventative mastectomy. Though we still haven’t identified a genetic link (yet), many women in my family have had breast cancer and many of the women who had breast cancer eventually had it in the contralateral breast. My mother had a preventative mastectomy in her late 30s. The risk for me ultimately getting another breast cancer was high and it was a risk I was unwilling to take.
For me, letting go of both of my breasts offered a freedom and liberation from the worry of developing additional breast cancer. It was the choice that minimized my recurrence rate the most. This was the right choice for me and my body. I did not make this choice out of fear, rather I made this choice from a place of deep empowerment. It was a righteous act of self care. In choosing mastectomy I was saying good bye to screening exams every 6 months. I was saying goodbye to this hyper-vigilant approach of monitoring for breast cancer. It was exhausting . I starting screening at age 35 and have had more diagnostic imaging procedures in that 7 years than most women have in a lifetime. ENOUGH!
The next challenge on my journey was the choice to reconstruct or not. I sweetly called this phase of my cancer journey: To boob or not to boob. It is truly amazing what plastic surgeons can do. I am so in awe of what is possible. But again, for my body and spirit, reconstruction felt like such a foreign concept. I innately knew I did not want implants. Also, reconstruction of any kind came with extra recovery time and some procedures like tissue reconstruction required risks that I simply was not comfortable with taking. (I have learned through this process that I am one risk adverse lady) .
One plastic surgeon that I talked to about options said it so powerfully. She looked me in the eyes and stated frankly, “ I will never be able to give you your breasts. You will have disappointment no matter which option you choose. You must mentally prepare yourself for that loss.” This was so important for me to hear. For much of my life, I have had a tendency to get caught up in making the right decision. This surgeon offered me a bit of a permission to let go. There was no perfect outcome in this situation. The only path forward was to make a choice that felt right for me and most importantly, to treat myself with so much care and kindness as I walked this path. This is what really started to sink in as I approached surgery.
One of the biggest gifts that has come through for me in this experience was the realization that I had to LET GO of all the ways I criticize and negate my body. This culture teaches women from a young age that their bodies are never enough. That there is always something about our bodies that needs to be fixed or changed. ENOUGH. These bodies bring life into the world, these bodies nurture and love others, these bodies are strong and powerful…just as they are.
Most importantly, these bodies carry innate wisdom and deeper intuition. I am so grateful that I was able to listen and connect deeply to my body. I had everything I needed within me to do what was best for my body. I was given space by my husband and by the amazing medical providers on my team. Though several plastic surgeons didn’t agree with my choice to not reconstruct , they did not dismiss it. My general surgeon fully supported me. My husband fully supported me. I was lucky that Jason was on the same page as I was (he too was uncomfortable with reconstruction). My family fully supported me. I am lucky. Many women have not had this experience as they walk this path.
I have hesitated to write about this experience…because there is still a place within me that worries about what other people will think. Will I be judged, criticized? ENOUGH. This is me. This is MY BODY. I LOVE MY BODY despite what I have lost. My beauty, femininity, sexuality is NOT DEFINED by this body. Sometimes I wear breast prosthesis and that feels good. More often, I go out into the world flat chested, and frankly that feels the most natural to me. My flat chest feels beautiful. It is a blank slate for a cool tattoo someday. I can now feel my heart beat powerfully just beneath my rib cage. Yoga is easier.
I also really want to acknowledge that I had the good fortune to talk to so many women who had walked this path and made different choices for their bodies. I listened deeply to them as they shared their experience about what was best for their body. Women who had mastectomy and chose flat reconstruction and were happy, women who had implants and were happy, women who had tissue reconstruction and were happy. There is NOT ONE RIGHT way to be in our bodies. The only right way is to honor what is best for each of us. We need more space and freedom in this culture to let people choose what is best for their bodies.
I share my story to normalize flat closure (no reconstruction after mastectomy). I share my story to normalize all body types. I share my story to gently remind us all to be gentle with ourselves and others….to notice when you might judge or criticize. Instead, perhaps you might pause and come back into your body and see how that makes you feel. What are you criticizing within yourself and how do you offer yourself care and compassion? Can you sense into your own body’s wisdom and get centered in knowing that what is best for your body, might not be best for others? And, that is OK. Can we give ourselves permission to be fully ourselves and also let others be fully themselves? This is my prayer.
Coming back to this picture, just three days after surgery. That look on my face is a look of sweet peace and relief. I was originally scheduled to have surgery in March 2020, but pandemic hit and it got delayed…so I was back in this place of waiting again. I was ready to have the surgery in March. I wanted to move on. I had a summer hiking season to prepare for :-)
So when I got the call in late April that surgeries were being scheduled again, I felt sweet relief. I woke up from surgery, honestly, feeling liberated.
Yes, I miss my beautiful breasts and somedays I feel very sad. But at the same time, I feel more open-hearted than ever. I am free from the burden of the worry of not if, but when I would develop breast cancer. This experience, though challenging, taught me sweet lessons of letting go, of surrender, and most importantly it changed the relationship that I have with myself and my body. I have developed deep self compassion and reverence for this body. My body is more than enough. My scars remind me daily of the this powerful transformation. I am deeply committed to radically loving this strong , beautiful, and resilient body. I am beyond grateful for that.
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